And so, gentle reader, as I sit listening to a record by the great Janis Joplin I am forced to wonder if my already immense talent would be greatly increased by the consumption of massive amounts of mind altering substances. Clearly, it's obvious this helps as a mind opener, since we all know everyone from Jim Morrison to Laura Ingalls Wilder used drugs to help them get "arty". Why, Laura Ingalls used to get so messed up on maple syrup and paint thinner in the thirties that she hit on Anais Nin until she got so uncomfortable she told her she was a Christian. And really, who was Anais Nin to talk, with she and Henry Miller doing steroids and running through the streets of Paris, lifting street cars with their bare hands? But they were all tetotallers compared to Fred Rogers from "Mr. Roger's Neighborhood". We know now he never left the neighborhood because he and Mr McFeeley had so much crack and Nyquil running through their addled brains it was all Fred could do to remember to put his sweater and shoes in the closet instead of eat them. 

   But, gentle reader, if I choose to go beyond the quart of Everclear and milk crate of mushrooms I already go through daily, it would be for my art, and the ability to drown out good advice. We wouldn't have such greatness as Precious Moments figurines or yogurt in a tube if it weren't for massive amounts of drugs, otherwise someone would have realized it was a bad idea much earlier. We would have missed out on macrame plant holders, garden gnomes, and every Sly and The Family Stone album ever made. Drugs make one mysterious, bloated, and flatulent, and if that doesn't make good art, I don't know what does. I might be able to make a life size Grover Cleveland meeting the Beatles on Mars but you wouldn't know that if you hadn't given me some playdough and a sheet of acid, would you?

   And so, gentle reader, besides the obvious appeal of never being that boring sober jerk that ruins every party by suggesting people "take it easy and stop chugging bleach", drugs just make stuff cooler. That's why before I wrote this I made a cocktail of children's aspirin, Mountain Dew and peyote. Soon, I will set the television on fire and cover it in purple paint and vintage lace. For art, and for all of you.